i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
