Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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