My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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