Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
