I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
