Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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