someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
