I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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