dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
home. puking in laundry basket.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
