he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
