Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
