my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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