I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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