nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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