Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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