they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
