Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
