At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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