if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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