she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
