I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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