you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
