every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize