my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize