I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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