$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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