On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
