my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I could fuck to npr.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
