in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
