a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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