He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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