If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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