I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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