he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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