they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
