mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
