WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
