I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
