I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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