On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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