Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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