I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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