hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
