Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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