Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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