I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
