the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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