you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
