Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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