You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
