Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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