I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
