Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
