Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize