Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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