That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
