chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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