I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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