Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
