I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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