Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
