it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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