Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
